Is that a plumbing license in your pocket?

Another lesson from the plumbing school of hard knocks: a license is not JUST a ticket into a beauracratic maze that will certainly cost more than hiring that nice unlicensed neighborhood guy with the undocumented assistant who knows exactly what to do and doesn't want to charge you more just to turn it over to our lousy government in taxes. I was on site with said plumber, assistant, and my all knowing contractor who'd done the rest of the house when he ran the pipes in what looked to me like a maze that would challenge even the most intelligent sewer rat. I had a twinge of doubt, but being that we had all my new fixtures and the installation guides on hand, I trusted that this was probably the only and therefore the best of all possible ways to squeeze everything in to my 4 x 6 1/2' bathroom. I had the fixtures shipped express for this precise purpose, but after three months the new fangled Kohler Escale square toilet was still in its box in my living room, and the bathroom floor was tiled over in black slate. Pipes stuck out of the tiled shower wall, and the drain and water pipes patiently awaited the tiny but gorgeous Lacava sink I'd so carefully chosen.


Mad as I was about some other problems, like a big hole in my roof (more on this to follow), I figured that with the tough part of the plumbing all done, I should be able to do the rest. After a few hours on various DIY websites, including trusty homedepot's small project's department, I felt prepared to put the trim on the shower body, install the showerhead (I'd replaced one before), put on my beloved waterfall bath spout, and tackle the toilet and the wall hung sink. The first thing I realized is that the shower body is sticking out from the wall by more than an inch - could this be fixed? I called Kohler technical: 1-800-456-4537. The answer: NO. Damn! I moved on to the toilet: more bad news. The plumber had installed a three inch drain pipe while my fancy toilet needs a four inch one, not to mention that the inlet was too low, and there was a flange, which is not necessary for this toilet. This is when I realized that not only hadn't the plumber read the manual, but the contractor hadn't bothered to take it out of the box during the three month interval before he tiled over the whole bathroom. I bit it and started calling plumbing COMPANIES in my area.

First came Aladdin Plumbing, who noted that the wall hung sink pipes were also non-functional, or at the very least would look absolutely terrible hanging out under my sleep little sink. The toilet? Forget it. Buy a new one and unload this square thing on craigslist. He could fix the rest, but there was no way to do it without opening up the walls. Yes, we could do it without disturbing the tiles - by chopping the sheetrock from the bedroom on the other side of the wall. He didn't think it would cost more than $1000, and he'd do the kitchen sink and dishwasher too for the price. Not so bad... at this rate, I should have just hired them in the first place, paid more to him instead of to the contractor's cut off his plumber's fee. Now I'm beginning to see how lucrative contracting could be.....

Always get a second opinion. Really, estimates are free advice, free school. Next came Martin Plumbing, highly recommended by the grape vine. They actually called to say the guy doing the estimate would be an hour late! Greater shock, he got there right then! I'm not looking for timeliness particularly, but this was very considerate, and unusual. Usually they call two hours later to reschedule for the next day. Same verdict about the shower body, bath and shower, cut the bedroom wall. The bathroom sink, same story, cut wall, replace drain valve, put in a nice shiny chrome P-trap. After another long talk with Kohler Tech, it seemed like a possibility that the toilet could be made to work with the 3" pipe, with a little improvisation. Could they do it? I must be crazy, no. The estimator, Leon, pulled the plastic cup out of the toilet drain pipe, releasing a vile sewer smell that had motivated me to quickly replace the cup when I'd gone to measure it the first time. He pointed to the fetid water hovering at the bottom. The pipe is pitched backwards, away from the main drain line, not towards it. Where did this water even come from? This is the top floor apartment. Not only wouldn't he put the square toilet in, he'd be worried about the way any toilet would function with this pipe. Why didn't the plumber just run the pipe under the beams, directly into the main line? THAT WAS WHAT I ORIGINALLY SAID TO DO!

Lesson of the day: If you have any common sense at all, TRUST IT and follow it out until you know for sure whether its right. E.g. if you suspect that water should flow down as directly as possible, find out if you're right and if it can be done. Also know when you really don't have any sense about something.

To make a longer story just long, it turned out that the pipes to the kitchen were also pitched away from the main line, and at the expense of several beams, including the one that holds up the staircase! Wrong size gas pipe... and the final kicker, the continuation of the drain pipe jungle down in the basement. Common sense tells me that I'd want turds and waste water to depart from my house as quickly and efficiently as possible. I'd want to to take the most direct route - as the crow flies, so to speak. I don't want it meandering along, born gently on by that water saving flush. Who in the world would set up the drains for the whole house like this?


So now we're talking about ripping out the ceiling of bathroom below, and straightening things out all the way down. I can't wait to see how much this is going to cost. I can't believe it! The estimate is already here, the very next day. $5000
Now I know everyone's got a living to make, including this trouble shooting licensed plumber. What to do? Get another estimate....