Queer Roofing Solutions: advice from a man in uniform

This morning I took a walk to Dyke's Lumber to order a skylight get some all around straight advice about about the other hole in my roof that was the cause and effect of my contractor's last day on the job. Let's start with the skylight: the old bathroom had a hole in the roof with a dinky plywood hatchcover, and a ladder that extened down INTO the clawfoot tub - yes, I let that little treasure go in order to make way for a smaller and better fitting tub. A story for another day. As you can imagine, this was about the most useless and unsafe way to have roof access, and in the twenty odd years that this was my family house, nobody every went out onto the roof through it. Now, however, the hole sits directly over my bathtub, and I have big plans for a skylight which will make it seem like the sun and the rain are coming right in, a virtual outdoor shower.



Before I move on to practical matters, let me observe that the virtual shares its domain with the faux, the unnatural, the queer in an oldfashioned sense that takes on its more gay meaning in relation to kindred terms like camp and drag. For example, I love that a crowning achievement of Paris' gay mayor was to create Paris Plage, a fake beach on the cold grey Seine that has become ubiquitous on the river banks of cold northern European cities. Its a river in drag as an ocean - and everybody plays along, joins into the performance! So when it comes to blending indoor and outdoor, natural materials and modern design, I always have that queer eye towards the little absurdities that makes it work and gives it away at the same time.

The roof. I ordered my Insuladome skylight for the bargain price of $483 including a lip to give it a pitch for the rain to run off on my flat roof, and a rod to open it up when I want to let the rain it (or the steam out). I decided to order it myself after a roofer told me it would be $1700, another $850, another that it would take five weeks to deliver: I'll have it delivered by Dyke's next week. So while I was taking care of this, a guy butted in and started giving advice about the other hole. I was going to put in a Bilco - a big, up to fire code, heavy duty deal that would require cutting a roof beam. He offered to do the job. No thanks. Oh, no matter, I work for the fire department now.

OK, now I'm interested. Do I need the big ol' Bilco? Everyone told me that the 18" between my beams was no room for a fireman to get out of with all his gear on, and to be honest, I can't picture any of the handfull of firedyke's I've met getting out of there either, they're a pretty burly bunch of ladies. But this guy pointed out that a fireman would never use my roofhatch anyway! He'd certainly rather use his ladder to access any part of my little three story row house. So, I asked him, all I really need is enough room to get up there with a cocktail, and saftely back down again after I've drunk it? Even better, why don't I cut the hole 18"x32" , save the beams, and get a custom hatch and a good graduated ladder - that'll make it easy to get a cooler up there. But what about the roof itself? If anyone walks around on it much it will get ruined quickly and this will void the garuantee from the roofing company. I'd love a deck, and my long term fantasy plan is really a green roof - as in an urban oasis for birdies and native grasses which also serves as an insulator and moderates rainwater runoff - and gives the house that ultra high end sustainable design feel.... His suggestion was more affordable and more practical: get a roll of fake grass and cover the roof, this will protect it and let me hang out on it. A faux green roof!!! That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm even going to call Greene roofing for a fourth estimate. I've learned to keep the estimates coming until I figure out exactly what I want, how I want it to be done, and how much it should reasonably cost - not too high or too low, and always on paper.